Today I went to church.
I haven't been to church regularly since 2002. A lot of reasons. I started to doubt my motives for attendance. Was I going because it was important to me to be there, or important to my parents? Then there were problems with my lodger. He was going through a bad period over a girl. And one morning I was late. Somebody made a sarky comment at the door. No one important, not a leader, not a friend. Just some woman appointed to shake hands with everyone. I just snapped. And walked out. Pretty soon I stopped turning up all together. Didn't matter that I had responsibilities. I couldn't care less.
Since then, I had a brief attendance in early 2004, but otherwise I haven't visited apart from at Christmas. It's not the same. A large group of friends and the head minister all left in late 2002, just after I stopped going. It lacks something with them gone. Drive, spirit, passion. It feels flat. They all set up a new church in the next town. Too far for me.
After one of many long chats with Monkey Man, I decided to bite the bullet and email someone on Facebook who I knew attended the new church. And straight away she set me up with a lift with someone.
Going back... well, not really going back as such because I've never been before, yet it feels familiar... everyone who I knew from before was very welcoming. Feels just like the old days, warm, comforting. Little touches, methods I remember were tested out at the old church that were not kept up are in use here. Almost a pioneering feel, no formal dress, everyone pitching in. Really good atmosphere of worship.
I don't feel any loyalty to the old church. I love this place and I've been only once.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Oh baby baby
Congratulations to my lovely sister-in-law on the birth of her new sproglet William. It's... a baby... some sort of weight... er... cute?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Geek it up
Proud to announce that I have become the first person in our house to get to level 60 on WOW.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A year in the making
If 2006 was all about self discovery, then 2007 was finding out about my family. It seems i got through 29 years never really knowing them.
It all started last Christmas day when my dad sang karaoke at my sister-in-law's house. For some reason, finding out that he knew all the words to Ring of Fire and Son of a Preacher Man lead me to begin reconsidering my whole life.
I guess it never occured to me that he knew stuff like the words to songs. I always assumed my parents were happy to be very out of touch with the real world. Now it occured to me that maybe it was just my mum. Over the next year I noticed other things. Just talking to him, I realised he was understanding the pop culture references I mentioned. Finding out that he watched Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, that was a wierd one. I discovered that, by totally ignoring everything my mum was saying in the background, I could have an entire normal conversation with him.
Earlier this year at my mum's birthday, my aunt (mum's sister) and uncle visited and brought her photo albums of the family. She had many photos of my Gramps (grandad) growing up that I had never seen before. My mum's album is full of pictures of Grammie and her family, and herself as a child. She also brought Gramps and his father's war medals that they had framed up. It was very emotional seeing and holding them, flicking through pictures of Gramps over the years. There was a photo of him in uniform at sea. Aunt said they were probably on the boat to Hong Kong. He was a POW of the Japanese in WWII. I think if my parents hadn't been there, I would have blubbed my eyes out. But not in front of my mum. I don't respect her enough to let her see me cry.
This Christmas, my aunt and uncle came here again. They came round to our house after visiting with my parents, and we talked a lot about them growing up, moving around and my Grammie's mental illness. She's a smart person, it seems as if she was aware of her mum's problems from an early age, even if no diagnosis had been made. I wonder if maybe my mum couldn't cope with it in the way that Aunt did. Aunt has mentioned that my mum was a goody two shoes, always did as she was told no matter what. It occurs to me that I was brought up to do the same. Always obey, parents, teachers, employers, government, but blindly, without consideration, because to question would be disrespectful. I think that it is healthy for children to say "No!" and to make their own decisions. I'm glad I eventually learned to do that for myself.
Maybe the reason my mum has hardly any photos of her dad is that she was blind to all else except her beloved mum. She cried loads when Grammie died unexpectedly in her sleep nearly 11 years ago (can't believe it's been so long), but not so much when Gramps died of cancer later that year. To be honest, I think Gramps was always a little distant, as many POW survivors were. He never spoke of his experience until shortly before he died, and then it was to Aunt's vicar, and it was Aunt who arranged the burial and Aunt who planned the funeral. I don't think my mum ever really knew what he went through.
I think my dad had a fairly normal upbringing, and underneath is a fairly normal guy. Okay he's a bit OCD, obsessed with hygiene, maybe a touch of Asperger's, and he obviously feels the need to compete when it comes to other people's belongings. I wonder if, were it not for my mum, he would be doing more with his life. I remember being young and being told, my dad's hobbies were frivolous, his collection of old records was pointless, but these were normal things for a person to have in their life. Now I wonder if he was just trying to retain his own identity while keeping mum happy.
I feel guilty that the balance has shifted, but I feel happier that I get on well with at least one parent now. And I'm honestly not sure that my mum has noticed.
It all started last Christmas day when my dad sang karaoke at my sister-in-law's house. For some reason, finding out that he knew all the words to Ring of Fire and Son of a Preacher Man lead me to begin reconsidering my whole life.
I guess it never occured to me that he knew stuff like the words to songs. I always assumed my parents were happy to be very out of touch with the real world. Now it occured to me that maybe it was just my mum. Over the next year I noticed other things. Just talking to him, I realised he was understanding the pop culture references I mentioned. Finding out that he watched Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, that was a wierd one. I discovered that, by totally ignoring everything my mum was saying in the background, I could have an entire normal conversation with him.
Earlier this year at my mum's birthday, my aunt (mum's sister) and uncle visited and brought her photo albums of the family. She had many photos of my Gramps (grandad) growing up that I had never seen before. My mum's album is full of pictures of Grammie and her family, and herself as a child. She also brought Gramps and his father's war medals that they had framed up. It was very emotional seeing and holding them, flicking through pictures of Gramps over the years. There was a photo of him in uniform at sea. Aunt said they were probably on the boat to Hong Kong. He was a POW of the Japanese in WWII. I think if my parents hadn't been there, I would have blubbed my eyes out. But not in front of my mum. I don't respect her enough to let her see me cry.
This Christmas, my aunt and uncle came here again. They came round to our house after visiting with my parents, and we talked a lot about them growing up, moving around and my Grammie's mental illness. She's a smart person, it seems as if she was aware of her mum's problems from an early age, even if no diagnosis had been made. I wonder if maybe my mum couldn't cope with it in the way that Aunt did. Aunt has mentioned that my mum was a goody two shoes, always did as she was told no matter what. It occurs to me that I was brought up to do the same. Always obey, parents, teachers, employers, government, but blindly, without consideration, because to question would be disrespectful. I think that it is healthy for children to say "No!" and to make their own decisions. I'm glad I eventually learned to do that for myself.
Maybe the reason my mum has hardly any photos of her dad is that she was blind to all else except her beloved mum. She cried loads when Grammie died unexpectedly in her sleep nearly 11 years ago (can't believe it's been so long), but not so much when Gramps died of cancer later that year. To be honest, I think Gramps was always a little distant, as many POW survivors were. He never spoke of his experience until shortly before he died, and then it was to Aunt's vicar, and it was Aunt who arranged the burial and Aunt who planned the funeral. I don't think my mum ever really knew what he went through.
I think my dad had a fairly normal upbringing, and underneath is a fairly normal guy. Okay he's a bit OCD, obsessed with hygiene, maybe a touch of Asperger's, and he obviously feels the need to compete when it comes to other people's belongings. I wonder if, were it not for my mum, he would be doing more with his life. I remember being young and being told, my dad's hobbies were frivolous, his collection of old records was pointless, but these were normal things for a person to have in their life. Now I wonder if he was just trying to retain his own identity while keeping mum happy.
I feel guilty that the balance has shifted, but I feel happier that I get on well with at least one parent now. And I'm honestly not sure that my mum has noticed.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Re-view
Reading : The Third Reich in Power by Richard E. Evans (still) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling (again)
Listening to : Delirious? - Live at Willow Creek
Well, it's two days till my wedding anniversary (yay), so I thought I would comment on the past year.
Shit.
Don't get me wrong, the marriage bit is absolutely wonderful, but it seems as though the rest of the cosmos has conspired to make me truly hate myself.
I'm considerably fatter, considerably poorer and considerably more depressed than I've ever been at any stage in my life. It seems as though all around me are finding jobs while I am just finding bank bills.
I'm still angry and bitter about the evening do (and still not sure if I want to talk about it).
At 29, I am feeling more under pressure to have kids, still don't want kids, and can't entirely envision myself having kids.
As Mr Blogstar put it, I'm bored with my life. There is nothing happening to get me excited.
By the way, I LOVED Harry Potter.
Listening to : Delirious? - Live at Willow Creek
Well, it's two days till my wedding anniversary (yay), so I thought I would comment on the past year.
Shit.
Don't get me wrong, the marriage bit is absolutely wonderful, but it seems as though the rest of the cosmos has conspired to make me truly hate myself.
I'm considerably fatter, considerably poorer and considerably more depressed than I've ever been at any stage in my life. It seems as though all around me are finding jobs while I am just finding bank bills.
I'm still angry and bitter about the evening do (and still not sure if I want to talk about it).
At 29, I am feeling more under pressure to have kids, still don't want kids, and can't entirely envision myself having kids.
As Mr Blogstar put it, I'm bored with my life. There is nothing happening to get me excited.
By the way, I LOVED Harry Potter.
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